A Suitor’s Qualifications

The following, published in Capitol Area Christian News in 1997, generated no successful suitors. And to this day, none of our nine daughters are married! But they are all engaged in noble and gainful employment. We are thankful for their love for us and honor they have always showed us, and for their devotion to Him who loved us. The article posted here in anno Domini 2011 is slightly modified

CACN, Spring 1997

Fathers’ Rights Society

Gentle readers, we ask your pardon for the great chasm of time which has separated us from our last communication (we utterly failed to produce a winter issue). But we have been busy with many good deeds, not the least of which is growing the population. The month of May heralds the birth of our seventh daughter as well as the sixteenth birthday of our firstborn.

I am seeking worthy husbands for my daughters, though I have opted not to provide images of her countenancea in this advertisement. Beautiful as they are in appearance, it should be sufficient for any suitor to know that the beauty of their excellence in character is the prize to be won; they have been reared under the example of their noble mother, Jayne.

A suitor must possess enough wit to have mastered a trade and stored some wealth. (The actual price to be paid is negotiable depending upon the earning power of the gentleman’s profession and the social security he shall provide his bride’s parents in their old age.) In the event that he wishes to present himself as a penurious devotee, set apart unto extraordinary ministry, and thus considerable for exemption from the normal pecuniary qualifications of a worthy husband, we shall suffer a sacrifice of personal comfort and accept, to the greater glory of God, a bonafide “special” dowry; viz., one hundred philistine foreskins.

The modern equivalent of the Near East Philistine is, of course, the American abortionist. The Philistines generated great wealth through commerce, particularly papyrus. They were open-minded multi-culturalists, worshipping many gods among which was Moloch to whom they offered living children as sacrifices. The neo-Philistine is located conveniently in cities throughout the nation and is easily found by walking fingers through the yellow pages.

Here in the west, we are more familiar with the currency derived from the scalping heads than with the disseverment of foreskins. Nevertheless, we ought not to despise this alternative, if not more biblical, accountantship. Let us respect diversity and the wisdom to be found in other cultures.

Actually, we are joking a little bit.